i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
