Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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