All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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