i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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