Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Nicole vs. Life
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
