Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
