you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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