That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
