I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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