Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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