i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
