you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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