i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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