i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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