Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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