Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
