sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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