Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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