guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
