So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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