I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize