I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
