The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
