I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
