I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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