omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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