My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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