it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
