theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
