i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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