I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
