hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
