I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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