My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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