White coat. Heels.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
