What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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