Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
