I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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