okay pat passed out under dana's car
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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