fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
