Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
