And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
