last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
