Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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