i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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