I'm jealous of your bromance
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Alive.
So much puke
Randomize
