i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
