Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
