His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
