Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
