Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
