My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
