i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
