Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
