Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
