So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
