I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
