Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I just put wine in my tea
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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