Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
